I haven't blogged in quite a while. I'm still trying to process everything that has happened in the last month. We got good news that only two of the tumors on Murray's brain remained, then only one. Things started to look up! We had hope. Then it all came crashing down. The remaining tumor is in a critical spot and needs to be treated right away. Okay, we can deal with that. Treat it.
Then two more tumors were found, on his spine. The cancer is spreading. Chemo isn't working, radiation isn't working. Then the worst thing that no one ever wants to hear is said: "There is nothing more we can do."
Reality slowly starts setting in. Odds are my nephew will never get to meet the man he is named after. My children probably won't have any memories with their "papa Murray". We are told he has 1 week to 2 months to live and people don't know what to say. Too often they say the wrong things. Some say, "look on the bright side", but there is no bright side. Others say, "at least you get the chance to take pictures, say good bye, make memories" but I don't want to say good bye. Memories? Yeah, we get to make memories but I want to continue making those memories. I want him to see my children graduate from high school! Hell I will settle for him watching them graduating from kindergarten. I want him to be there. Pictures? I get to take a ton, even more now than I ever cared to take in the past. But he's changing. Some of the changes break my heart to see in photographs. Him going from the man he once was to the man cancer is turning him into. Watching him deteriorate before my eyes. It hurts.
I know I'm selfish to only being seeing the bad, to be angry at God for taking him from us "too soon". I'm selfish for wanting him to keep fighting and not give up even though medically, everything that can be done, has been done. I don't care though. I don't care if wanting him here makes me selfish. I'm selfish. But only because I love him, I don't want to watch him suffer anymore, I don't want to watch my aunts heart break over and over, I want my kids to know him.
He has 1 week to 2 months left to live, he is DNR, and there is nothing more they can do for him. I wake up every day dreading that I am going to receive that phone call... The one I don't want to answer because I don't want to hear those words. I'm not ready to let go, no one is.
So we visit, we take pictures, we laugh, we cry... We make memories. Because that is what he deserves. His family laughing, crying, spending as much time with him as possible. Making memories, because that is how we will keep him alive.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Monday, December 2, 2013
Holidays and Chemo
I haven't written in a long time and it's because I couldn't find my voice. I couldn't find the words that I so desperately want to say. The things that mean the most to me, the moments I cherish, the memories. I simply can't express the happiness and sorry I am feeling lately!
This past weekend was Thanksgiving, we loaded all the kids up and headed over to my uncles house to spend the holiday with him. It was going to be a nice day, we were going to have fun and eat and pretend that there were no worries in the world. There was going to be lots of food, fun, and family, why wouldn't it be a great time?
In a sense it was a wonderful time, I got to spend Thanksgiving with my uncle... who knows if we will get the chance to do it again next year? There was A LOT of food, Uncle Murray was so excited for the ham! Our family was there and almost everyone was enjoying themselves. Except Murray. Who was so sick from Chemo and a long trip, that he could barely stay awake. He was getting sick so there was no way he could eat, he couldn't even keep down the breakfast drink the hospital gave him for nausea. When he was awake he joked, laughed, smiled, and watched football. Those moments were nice and will make amazing memories. The smile on his face when my 15 month old daughter climbed into his lap and gave him lovins was definitely something I will remember forever.
To see this man that was always so strong and independent become so weak and dependent hurts. He is such an amazing man, uncle, husband, and second father... It makes it so much harder to watch him fight this battle. No one thinks twice about cancer until it hits close to them... or to them. We KNOW cancer is a terrible thing, something no one should have to ever experience. All the knowledge in the world cannot prepare you to watch someone you love fight this battle. There are times when it seems like they are winning and times when it seems like they are losing. It's a roller coaster of emotions, exhaustion, and sickness that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. I wouldn't wish cancer on anyone and if I could... I would take it from him in a heart beat. I would give anything for him to no longer have to fight this fight. Anything.
But I can't. To know that there is little to nothing I can do to help him in this fight kills me, I can only imagine how my aunt feels.
I didn't update about Murray in a few weeks so here is the update!
He started Chemo!! He got his first round the second week of November and his second round will be the first week of December.
He didn't get TOO sick with the first round but other patients told him that the sick feeling didn't him them until a week or two after the first round and some were lucky enough not to feel sick until the second treatment.
Luckily they DID get back onto insurance once the company fixed their mistake.
They did determine that the cancer has spread, will be doing another round of scans to see if chemo is working after his fourth treatment. Please pray that the chemo is working!!
This past weekend was Thanksgiving, we loaded all the kids up and headed over to my uncles house to spend the holiday with him. It was going to be a nice day, we were going to have fun and eat and pretend that there were no worries in the world. There was going to be lots of food, fun, and family, why wouldn't it be a great time?
In a sense it was a wonderful time, I got to spend Thanksgiving with my uncle... who knows if we will get the chance to do it again next year? There was A LOT of food, Uncle Murray was so excited for the ham! Our family was there and almost everyone was enjoying themselves. Except Murray. Who was so sick from Chemo and a long trip, that he could barely stay awake. He was getting sick so there was no way he could eat, he couldn't even keep down the breakfast drink the hospital gave him for nausea. When he was awake he joked, laughed, smiled, and watched football. Those moments were nice and will make amazing memories. The smile on his face when my 15 month old daughter climbed into his lap and gave him lovins was definitely something I will remember forever.
To see this man that was always so strong and independent become so weak and dependent hurts. He is such an amazing man, uncle, husband, and second father... It makes it so much harder to watch him fight this battle. No one thinks twice about cancer until it hits close to them... or to them. We KNOW cancer is a terrible thing, something no one should have to ever experience. All the knowledge in the world cannot prepare you to watch someone you love fight this battle. There are times when it seems like they are winning and times when it seems like they are losing. It's a roller coaster of emotions, exhaustion, and sickness that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. I wouldn't wish cancer on anyone and if I could... I would take it from him in a heart beat. I would give anything for him to no longer have to fight this fight. Anything.
But I can't. To know that there is little to nothing I can do to help him in this fight kills me, I can only imagine how my aunt feels.
I didn't update about Murray in a few weeks so here is the update!
He started Chemo!! He got his first round the second week of November and his second round will be the first week of December.
He didn't get TOO sick with the first round but other patients told him that the sick feeling didn't him them until a week or two after the first round and some were lucky enough not to feel sick until the second treatment.
Luckily they DID get back onto insurance once the company fixed their mistake.
They did determine that the cancer has spread, will be doing another round of scans to see if chemo is working after his fourth treatment. Please pray that the chemo is working!!
Sunday, October 6, 2013
New shirts!
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https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tsSIFP6atiDG5O5JxIdKA11XUVXuxcw9ONYl6ZB8IlY/viewform
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Hurdles keep on coming!
Things were starting to look up for my uncle. Due to some complications and the cancer progressing his team of medical professionals decided that they would go ahead with radiation despite the lack of insurance. Which is awesome because they gave him about 2 months without treatment and we were already entering into that second month.
Then he got approved for Medicaid! Praise GOD things are going great! The results from his MRI showed there had been no change in his tumors and that the complications were because of the cancer progressing and not because of the tumors growing in size or number.
Just as quickly as he was approved for Medicaid he was kicked off. Why? They said their income was too much, but their math was off somewhere because they don't make nearly as much as what the insurance is saying they do. So my aunt and uncle are back to fighting for them to have insurance AGAIN.
Currently Murray is in a rehabilitation center where he is receiving physical therapy as well as speech therapy in hopes to get him strong enough to come home again. Luckily my aunt is able to stay there with him so he is not alone through this whole ordeal and it saves them quite a bit of money in gas. With this government shutdown there are concerns as to how they are going to keep up with stuff like their bills, food, and gas.
Due to both Murray and Julies health problems neither one of them are able to work. So they get disability and live off of that. Hopefully the shut down doesn't last long and has no effect on their income.
There are no further updates as of yet. We are still collecting donations and doing fundraisers for them to help with medical and living expenses. This has been very hard on them financially and emotionally, they can use all the help they can get.
$1 HELPS or even if you just forwarded this blog or the information to people willing to help. Any information towards organizations that can help is more than welcome! Home remedies... Anything helps.. Even a silent prayer or a few words of kindness.
http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=9013420319082421676#editor/target=post;postID=2424263775878716949;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=3;src=postname
Then he got approved for Medicaid! Praise GOD things are going great! The results from his MRI showed there had been no change in his tumors and that the complications were because of the cancer progressing and not because of the tumors growing in size or number.
Just as quickly as he was approved for Medicaid he was kicked off. Why? They said their income was too much, but their math was off somewhere because they don't make nearly as much as what the insurance is saying they do. So my aunt and uncle are back to fighting for them to have insurance AGAIN.
Currently Murray is in a rehabilitation center where he is receiving physical therapy as well as speech therapy in hopes to get him strong enough to come home again. Luckily my aunt is able to stay there with him so he is not alone through this whole ordeal and it saves them quite a bit of money in gas. With this government shutdown there are concerns as to how they are going to keep up with stuff like their bills, food, and gas.
Due to both Murray and Julies health problems neither one of them are able to work. So they get disability and live off of that. Hopefully the shut down doesn't last long and has no effect on their income.
There are no further updates as of yet. We are still collecting donations and doing fundraisers for them to help with medical and living expenses. This has been very hard on them financially and emotionally, they can use all the help they can get.
$1 HELPS or even if you just forwarded this blog or the information to people willing to help. Any information towards organizations that can help is more than welcome! Home remedies... Anything helps.. Even a silent prayer or a few words of kindness.
http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=9013420319082421676#editor/target=post;postID=2424263775878716949;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=3;src=postname
Monday, September 30, 2013
Yes!
This past week Murray ended up back into the hospital because his symptoms were worsening. The neurologist decided it was best that they started radiation treatments right away because the cancer was progressing. They fitted him for his radiation mask on Monday and gave him high doses of radiation Tuesday through Friday and one last dose today. They are going to run tests to see if the tumors have gotten smaller in size because they gave him much higher doses than they had originally planned on doing.
Murray was FINALLY approved for medicaid but the family is still struggling with the expenses of co-pays, gas, food, and the hospital bills from his 9 day stay in the beginning of all of this.
Here is what is happening now:
Testing to see the progress of the tumors
Going to hopefully start chemo soon.
Speech therapy
Physical therapy
Because of the damage done by the tumors he basically has to relearn how to use the right side of his body/brain again. They are teaching him basic skills right now like eating and caring for himself along with speaking. The tumors caused him to have some trouble understanding things and getting his thoughts put into words so they are helping him gain back that ability. He is not strong enough to be home yet so they have transferred him to a rehabilitation home where Julie is able to stay with him. He is working so hard with the therapists because all he wants to do is be at his home with his wife and their dog who is their "baby".
Please continue to keep them in your thoughts and prayers!
If you would like to make a donation to the family check this out: http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=9013420319082421676#editor/target=post;postID=2424263775878716949;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=2;src=postname
Murray was FINALLY approved for medicaid but the family is still struggling with the expenses of co-pays, gas, food, and the hospital bills from his 9 day stay in the beginning of all of this.
Here is what is happening now:
Testing to see the progress of the tumors
Going to hopefully start chemo soon.
Speech therapy
Physical therapy
Because of the damage done by the tumors he basically has to relearn how to use the right side of his body/brain again. They are teaching him basic skills right now like eating and caring for himself along with speaking. The tumors caused him to have some trouble understanding things and getting his thoughts put into words so they are helping him gain back that ability. He is not strong enough to be home yet so they have transferred him to a rehabilitation home where Julie is able to stay with him. He is working so hard with the therapists because all he wants to do is be at his home with his wife and their dog who is their "baby".
Please continue to keep them in your thoughts and prayers!
If you would like to make a donation to the family check this out: http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=9013420319082421676#editor/target=post;postID=2424263775878716949;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=2;src=postname
Friday, September 20, 2013
How is he?
According to my aunt, Murray has been very tired lately. The simplest tasks seem to wear him out. His appetite has been decreasing and he is starting to show symptoms again.
Every insurance company that they have reached out to doesn't want to insure him because he is considered a high risk patient with prior existing conditions. We are reaching out to everyone and trying to figure something out for him!
The doctor said it is very important for them to understand that without treatment to the tumors on his brain that, "they will become a life threatening event quite quickly." Now that is a hard pill to swallow for anyone, so of course they are crushed. Without the funding to start treatment, they are basically just waiting for either the funding to get within their grasp or for him to join our Lord in heaven. As a person I can't imagine going through this myself... as a wife I can't imagine watching my husband go through this. They are doing everything they possibly can short of asking the devil himself for help...
Right now everything is in Gods' hands and while it is comforting to know that God has his plan and his reason for everything, it is also a terrifying thing knowing that all you are able to do is sit back and watch.
So please say a prayer for my aunt and uncle, pray for healing and funding to get where they need to be.
If you would like to donate here are some ways to do so!
Gofundme: http://www.gofundme.com/42fy80
Bracelets: http://docs.google.com/forms/d/15H9w3U-7oOHxYCfX3MDEIhVP_m3rIBymE5lvX_o6mkE/viewform
Shirts: http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.customink.com%2Fsignup%2F44p3gxch&h=7AQFGHSj1
FB event: http://www.facebook.com/events/538746342847546/538748349514012/?notif_t=event_mall_reply
Every insurance company that they have reached out to doesn't want to insure him because he is considered a high risk patient with prior existing conditions. We are reaching out to everyone and trying to figure something out for him!
The doctor said it is very important for them to understand that without treatment to the tumors on his brain that, "they will become a life threatening event quite quickly." Now that is a hard pill to swallow for anyone, so of course they are crushed. Without the funding to start treatment, they are basically just waiting for either the funding to get within their grasp or for him to join our Lord in heaven. As a person I can't imagine going through this myself... as a wife I can't imagine watching my husband go through this. They are doing everything they possibly can short of asking the devil himself for help...
Right now everything is in Gods' hands and while it is comforting to know that God has his plan and his reason for everything, it is also a terrifying thing knowing that all you are able to do is sit back and watch.
So please say a prayer for my aunt and uncle, pray for healing and funding to get where they need to be.
If you would like to donate here are some ways to do so!
Gofundme: http://www.gofundme.com/42fy80
Bracelets: http://docs.google.com/forms/d/15H9w3U-7oOHxYCfX3MDEIhVP_m3rIBymE5lvX_o6mkE/viewform
Shirts: http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.customink.com%2Fsignup%2F44p3gxch&h=7AQFGHSj1
FB event: http://www.facebook.com/events/538746342847546/538748349514012/?notif_t=event_mall_reply
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Fundraising!
We have started various fundraising projects to help my aunt and uncle with the treatments for his cancer. My good friend Samantha has been a huge help in this so I would just love to thank her really fast! Samantha you have been amazing through all of this and I don't know what I would do without you. I love you!
Back to the fundraising!
I will be ordering a ton of Lung cancer support bracelets. They will be white and say "Support Lung Cancer. Stay Strong." With the white ribbon for Lung cancer on them. If you would like to order one for $5, fill out this form here: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/15H9w3U-7oOHxYCfX3MDEIhVP_m3rIBymE5lvX_o6mkE/viewform
We also have an event on FB where you can purchase jewelry and the proceeds will go towards helping fund cancer treatments. Samantha set this up and you can find it here: https://www.facebook.com/events/538746342847546/538748349514012/?notif_t=event_mall_reply
There is also the GoFundMe account: http://www.gofundme.com/42fy80
We will aslo be doing shirts: http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.customink.com%2Fsignup%2F44p3gxch&h=7AQFGHSj1
Back to the fundraising!
I will be ordering a ton of Lung cancer support bracelets. They will be white and say "Support Lung Cancer. Stay Strong." With the white ribbon for Lung cancer on them. If you would like to order one for $5, fill out this form here: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/15H9w3U-7oOHxYCfX3MDEIhVP_m3rIBymE5lvX_o6mkE/viewform
We also have an event on FB where you can purchase jewelry and the proceeds will go towards helping fund cancer treatments. Samantha set this up and you can find it here: https://www.facebook.com/events/538746342847546/538748349514012/?notif_t=event_mall_reply
There is also the GoFundMe account: http://www.gofundme.com/42fy80
We will aslo be doing shirts: http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.customink.com%2Fsignup%2F44p3gxch&h=7AQFGHSj1
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